We are about a year removed from the world “returning to normal” and one thing recently became very clear: after a long period of isolation, we have regressed as a society. The lack of self awareness today is truly haunting . Don’t worry, this isn’t a serious blog, this is simply my opportunity to rant about my newest mortal enemies…….the people in the airport who don’t know how to travel.
As part of my job, I am a professional traveler. Ok, that might be extreme because I’m definitely not George Clooney in Up In the Air, but I’ve been on over 50 flights in 2022 and will finish the year spending 50 very mediocre nights in various hotel rooms across the Southwest. The worst part of being on the road that often is how frequently I have to deal with the first time travelers (or so they seem). Some people these days act like they’ve never seen an airplane before or have not yet realized they are not the center of the universe.
So, in no particular order, here are the worst people I come across during my travels.
- “Mr. or Mrs. Speakerphone” – I experienced this for the first time a couple weeks ago so it may not be super common. But wow, these people clearly feel they are important enough that everyone should know their business. Whether it’s before take-off or after landing, they take out their phone, hold it 5 inches from their mouth, and let everyone in the vicinity hear their plans for the evening. Nobody cares where your friend parked, or what you are thinking of wearing. More importantly, if you are talking business, nobody is interested in how many “units” your client is buying so unless they feel like sharing their credit card number with everyone in Row 23 and 24, please put the phone up to your ear like a normal person or invest in some headphones.
- “My First Time On A Moving Sidewalk” – Before I rant about these clowns, shout out to some airports for putting up signs that direct people to walk on the left, and stand on the right. The people who make this list are the ones who manage to block the entire moving sidewalk so they can finish their conversation. Don’t worry about us…. you and your rolly bag can continue to take up the entire width of the walkway and talk about the experience at the rental car desk. Those of us in a hurry from trying to get to our connection can wait while you act like the walkway is meant to save you steps – not time. I imagine these are the same people who go below the speed limit in the fast lane, and if I could honk at them at the airport I would.
- “Where’s My Gate” – At first this seems like I’m talking about people who don’t look at what gate they are flying out of or something like that, but it’s not. These “where’s my gate” people are the one’s who are walking with the crowd, then suddenly stop to look around. They could be looking for their gate or something else entirely – I don’t know and I don’t care – all that matters is how these sudden stops disrupt the overall flow of traffic within an airport. It takes a special lack of self-awareness to not even move to the side, but just stand in the middle with an unsure look on your face.
- “Wait, I don’t have Pre-Check” – This isn’t a ranked list, but if it was, these people would have a strong case for most annoying because that reverse walk back through the security line is a special kind of annoying. There are some who I think know they don’t have precheck, and know they aren’t in the right place, but are just hoping that security will let them through (has this ever worked??) rather than having to go to general security. The one positive though is that I get to enjoy the defeated look on these people’s faces when they realize they wasted 5 minutes in the precheck line and now have to start the process all over again.
- “Yes I See Your Airpods In, but Let’s Talk Anyway” – I am already ready to take back what I said about pre-check people being the worst, because this group of individuals are actively trying to disturb you. If I have my airpods in, I’m clearly listening to something, and even if I’m not, I’m clearly trying to give off the vibe that I don’t want to talk with anyone. Please don’t tap me on the shoulder to ask what I’m watching, or if I’m working, or what I do. We have all agreed that we are responsible for our own entertainment. If you do decide to disrupt me, it better be for a good reason like you went to high school with Margot Robbie and you think we’d be friends.
Last but definitely not least
- “I’m So Important I Need to Run To The Front” – I had always heard these people existed, but it wasn’t until I experienced them first-hand that I was truly disgusted. Let’s be honest, if you’ve flown recently, you already know who I’m talking about. The moment the plane lands and the seatbelt sign is off, they spring up out of their seat and rush towards the front of the plane. As a society, we travelers once agreed to the deplaning process where we go row by row in an orderly fashion. I don’t know if these clowns forgot, never got the message, or if they simply think they are more important than everyone else. I secretly hope these people get stuck behind the people who don’t know how to use a moving sidewalk, and their pompous exercise to be the first to deplane is all for nothing.
This is my list. Personally I think if you violate these unwritten rules more than once you should be on the no-fly list. You clearly don’t belong with civilized members of society, so maybe after your first violation you get downgraded to Spirit Airlines only and then have to work your way back up. As I continue to travel more, I’m sure I’ll be adding to this, but for now this is who stands out. Please do everyone a favor and memorize these because traveling is already stressful enough, and we don’t need you making it worse.